Between Us: Deceit...

Honestly I really feel like I can call you ‘Aunty’ because I’m convinced that you care about the people whose concerns and issues you address. I have a rather common problem but I still will appreciate your advice. I am ready to settle down and I was in a relationship that I was sure would lead to marriage, but I have been rudely awakened to the untrustworthiness of women! This lady had given me all the rubbish talk about wanting to wait till the wedding night and I foolishly believed her desire to remain pure. There were some suspicious calls and texts to her phone which I was unfortunate to come across because she asked me to pick a call for her and take a message. The calls came from a guy who she used to see, but had told me was meaningless at the time. But when I saw the text it was obvious there was some intimacy between them – he knew things about her body I was yet to find out! I was so upset, I quietly dumped her and stopped seeing her or taking her calls. Now her mother wants to see me… what do you think I should do?

Oh dear… this is a tough one. Trust is absolutely essential to any relationship if it is to lead to marriage and particularly, a marriage that lasts. I hesitate to pass judgement on the lady in question, because you evidently did not give her a fair hearing. However, if the relationship was of the nature that her mother knew about it, then in our traditional culture, you absolutely must go and see her, the problem will be if she asks you why you have dumped her daughter. You simply have to come to a decision before you go there. What exactly attracted you to her? What are her sterling qualities that made you decide she was going to be your lifelong mate? Evaluate her good points and then really examine what it is that has upset you. If she asked you to pick up her call, she could not have had anything to hide… maybe you need to give her a fair hearing. After all, can you honestly say you have done nothing wrong? I hope this helps?

Woman Crush Wednesday: Wow For A Cause!

Its been the tradition of the Pink Ball to have women of worth walk the runway in support of the Breast Cancer Cause. Like previous events, our cause celebs ignited the runway in October 2014 in LDA Couture and later came together for our November cover shoot. Today, we're crushing on not one but all six women! Osas Igbodaro, Eku Edewor, Fade Ogunro, Dakore Akande, Seyi Shay, and Toolz as styled by Dimeji Alara. 

Whose look is your favourite? We can't decide! 

 Osas Igbodaro

Fade Ogunro

Seyi Shay

Toolz

Eku Edewor

Dakore Akande

Morning Dew: You Can’t Pin This On Me

As I write this, I am in solitary confinement; Bed rest!!!

 I am very dramatic. I don’t know why I am not in Nollywood. I arrive Nigeria in style courtesy of my friends at Virgin Atlantic and then I land in hospital.  I get discharged eventually, but not acquitted.  “Let me out, I need to go back to work,”  I begged.  But my plea falls on deaf ears. “Without work, I am dead,” I plead. “Without rest, you’re dead,” I am reminded. Sigh! They are right.  Bodi no bi wood.

I have spent the last hour trying to bribe Segun, our Head of Creative to bbm me the April photos of Genny; “Let me just take a peek,” and he stubbornly refuses, reminding me that I am on leave. Am I not supposed to be the ‘oga at the top?’ Obviously not!

Defeated, I take the rest. See you on the other side of rest…Whenever!!! 

For now, I am a feather in the wind. I go where He directs. It’s a good time to reflect…

 After my daughter’s graduation a couple of years ago, I thought the natural sequence of events would start with her relocation home, joining us at Genevieve and unleashing all her inner craft and brilliance on the brand. I had anticipated that moment so much that I could see it in full technicolour. I was desperate to have a succession plan commence. Everyone always said I was too hands on and needed to take a chill pill, so I thought that was my opportunity to do just that; it was perfect! Having her on board, as editor was the inevitable next step, RIGHT? Well, I may have jumped the gun a bit there.

“Mum, you can’t pin this on me!” She said firmly, but politely.

“Excuse me!” I went through different stages of emotions that began with shock and ended in RAGE!

 I finally managed to say something like: “I thought the plan was to return home and…” (was there really such plan? Really?)I felt let down. How can she stay back in the UK when Genevieve was waiting for her back home?

“Mum…,” she said helplessly, “we never discussed my plans post graduation. You just assumed…,” she said miserably. “Mum, I am young and I want to explore all my options and the opportunities I have in front of me. I have not decided what I want to do, career-wise. I love you mum and I think you have done a great job with Genevieve and there’s more creativity where all this is coming from; Genevieve is your baby and I would like to be a part of it but not just yet. I want to work, build my skills; I don’t want to just be handed this without earning it.”

I could see and feel her anxiety but I didn’t care; instead I tried to deploy emotional blackmail to get my way. I wanted to remind her about all the sacrifices I had made on her account as a mother but changed my mind. (I almost reminded her how I waited six years for her birth. I was desperate enough to have tried that line!).

I was sad, sad and miserable; my plan that she would graduate and join me to run Genevieve just went up in smoke. I had it all planned (I thought) but my   cute dream of succession was crashing before my eyes like a pack of cards and I could do absolutely nothing about it. If she were younger I would have ordered her back home but at 21, she was no longer that child that believed that everything that came out mum’s mouth was gold.  She was her own woman with every right to her own decision and life. I needed to respect that. It was wrong of me to make an assumption of such epic proportions. Genevieve was my dream, not hers, she had a point but I sulked. Oh I sulked!

You can’t pin Genevieve on me mum?  That girl has the nerve, I complained to my husband on the phone after I’d literally accused him of being in the know about her staying back in the UK. “How could she do that to me?” I fumed.

I survived the blow and learnt to live and let live. It was best to let her be, I rationalised.  Then a year went by, and I felt her slowly easing into a role in Genevieve, often giving constructive criticism on our stories, covers, and very occasionally, writing articles. And on impulse I sent her a bbm asking; “How would you like to come on board Genevieve as Assistant Editor-UK Correspondent?”

I held my breath, closed my eyes and waited. God, please! It was a prayer. I couldn’t take another rejection.

PING!!!

“YYYYAAAAAAYYYY… Yes mum, of course!” It read.

 YESSSS!  I echoed slicing my elbow into thin air in that jubilant way that winners do.

And here we are. I learnt the hard way that as a parent, there will come a time when you must let your child fly, make their own mistakes, discover their own calling. You hope that at some point, it leads them back to you and hope that their dreams, in some way, are your dreams for them. In this case, I am happy to say, it did.

Bottom line?

Mother doesn’t always know best.

It takes Grace. 

Betty.

Between Us: Am I Being Taken For Granted?

"I am a 27-year-old lady and I am presently in a single committed relationship with a guy who has asked me to marry him and he is even prepared to wait for the wedding night. In fact, that was my signal that he was THE ONE, because I had asked the Lord for a real man who was committed to the word of God. I know it all sounds so wonderful and please oh, I am grateful to God, that’s why I dare not mention this to my mom. But there is one problem that keeps bothering me and I am not really sure whether I should mention it and if so, who I should mention it to. I have always tried not to be like the regular Lagos Bigz Gelz who are always demanding that the men they date should pay large sums of money for their weaves, phones, shoes, etc. My problem now is that my fiancé does not even seem to think it is necessary to take me on a date or to the cinema… he is always complaining about how he doesn’t have money because his business is just starting. I don’t think I am being difficult in expecting him to court me a little? Or am I?"

Fiancée, Lagos

Oh dear! Are you related to the University Don? Sounds like the same situation in another colour. No, you are not being difficult. He does need to court you a little and a lot! You are a gem of inestimable price and he must let you know constantly and consistently how much you mean to him. It is not the money because having spoken to you, you sound like a very well-brought up and financially savvy young lady. There are many things he can do to court your attention and love. And not all of them require huge sums of money. In fact the truth is, what he needs to demonstrate is that he has taken the trouble to get to know the real you and find out the things that make you tick… the stars that shine, the beautiful places to see the sunset, the magic of cooking for you, the plays, book-readings, poetry… and often the these things cost more effort and time than money. But they show how much he values you. If he is smart, he is reading this right now, because you have placed the magazine strategically where he can see it….

My guy! Get on with the programme, do not ‘carry last’!

Morning Dew: Answered Prayers

I was 26 when I got married to the love of my life. I remember my wedding day clearly as if it was last week. We first had a court wedding with about 20 people in the house. I don’t think we spent up to N20,000 on the whole in all. Our Church wedding took place 12 years later; it was also a time to renew our vows in full glare of a much larger audience.

Let me digress here a bit… I was raised by a single mum, so as you may have guessed my life was not a sheltered one. From a young age I knew what it was like to be in charge of the home while mum went out to work. I was the Cinderella in the house- not the Cinderella that went to the ball in all her finery, but the one who did the household chores. I cooked, washed, ran errands and also chased my little brother, Fred, round the house, to make him take a bath. I got in trouble if he didn’t take a bath, and the boy just didn’t like water unless he was playing with it. I also helped my mum with her business. It was a hard knock life for a young girl but mum saw it as “home training”. And in a way those experiences contributed to shaping my life. I often boast at Genevieve that in the event that all my staff resigned en masse, I would single-handedly get the magazine out on the street. Now that I look back at my childhood, I believe I was shaped by what I learned.

I remember this particular day when after spending a good part of my weekend going to the market and slaughtering a duck, an aunt came to dinner and after all the compliments on my culinary skills said offhandedly, the man who marries you will be very lucky. But all I kept thinking was “I am not doing this all over again when I get married”.

Did I moan about these tasks? Yes, I moaned but mum then tied my night out on the town to my tasks. If I wanted to hit the town partying, which I did a lot, I had to ensure there was enough food in the house first.

I guess it was therefore understandable that I grew up with an intense dislike of the kitchen. I can cook but I’d rather not and I hoped when I got married it wouldn’t be to an overbearing and demanding husband who expected me to go as far as Epe fish market to buy fresh fish or Ore (Ondo State) to buy huge snails and then pound his yam by myself because he can’t stand domestics… Ah Ah! So, you can imagine my joy when I married the most understanding man ever. A man who does not make unnecessary demands of his wife, a man who makes no fuss over anything and understands that a working woman occasionally needs a break from the kitchen. (Ok, my time out of the kitchen is more than occasional)I couldn’t have been more blessed with a good man… it’s not everyday you meet a man who totally and unconditionally accepts you for who are without making you feel apologetic about your shortcomings.

Marriage is different things to different people and unfortunately our young ones have redefined what marriage is, with less emphasis on love and more on the things money can buy including love (but I then there are still many women out there who believe in unconditional love like the one Davido referenced in his hit number AYE: she no wan designer, she no wan Ferrari, she belongs to me and I belong to her o.

Marriage, like life, is what you make of it. There’s no manual on how to be happily married because different people have different expectations and preconceived ideas about marriage. In some quarters, marriage has become one big theatre of the absurd… some venture into it with a mindset that they can always cheat or take the next exit out at the first sign of any inconvenience.

The truth is, any marriage built on a wrong foundation is likely to come crashing. A sustainable marriage has to be built on true love, mutual respect, truth, patience, commitment and staying loyal to the wedding vows. Merry Xmas all and see you in 2015.