The battle to define YOU personally is
raging and tragically, you can often pull the definition of who you are from
what society says you should be, what your parents expect you to become, what
your friends say is permissible and so on. However, at a specific point you
have to change the narrative of your life and come to grips with the potential
that lay dormant on the inside.
A certain woman, a second wife in a
polygamous setting ended up in an inconvenient relationship where the first
wife repeatedly verbally abused her. The husband and supposed provider of love
and affection turned out to be a wife beater. Having purposely hidden his fits
of rage and temper management issues during their encapsulated courtship, he
showed his true colours as time went on in the marriage. He and the head wife,
a lawyer, taunted her everywhere she turned.
All she had to look forward to was an unhappy, defensive life, caring
for a young child under unfavourable circumstances. Her biggest wish was an
opportunity to be her own person but she had no fire left in her to fight any
battles. The only thing she was good at was the craft of tying “gele” and even
that gave her little joy.
But the repetitive practice of tying “gele”
yielded great pride in the end for this lady. Earlier in life after her
secondary school education, she found herself working in her aunt’s business,
exceptionally working the head wraps for customers with great compliments and
oversized tips. It was through this skill that a certain explosive encounter
would happen.
For the wedding of her niece; a senior lady
customs officer who often struggled with tying her “gele”, found herself under
the expert service of our abused lady. With each effortless hand movement she
tied the “gele” producing an ever so delicate weave of material with the width
and glory of a peacock on display.
The Customs Officer marvelled at the ease
and expertise of our abused wife and a conversation ensued. “This is amazing
work, I am very pleased, where did you learn to tie gele so well?” She asked,
but then quickly followed with, “you always look so forlorn and deeply troubled
what is it?” She asked.
Now normally this second wife wouldn’t have
shared the desperate nature of her family situation but today’s verbal bashing
had been particularly painful; being described as illiterate and bush had been
hurtful and disarming. So she opened up for the first time ever. The tears flowed like rain.
”You mean you have been going through this
for 10 years; you seem very gifted and intelligent, where is your family?” The
Custom Officer asked.
The shame was, it wasn’t a very unique
situation to hear one’s parents explaining to a returning daughter that “all
sales are final”; and explaining that all your distress is common to all women,
soothing your confused look by telling you to return to your husband’s home and
cook him his favourite meal because the way to a man’s heart is through his
belly, and a male child.
The senior customs lady explained: “After
the death of my father, I hawked second-hand clothes with my mother till we
saved up enough for me to go to University of Lagos. Our situation was very
dire as we had nothing, no hope and no one to support us. It looked like our
situation was set and there was no changing the path of our lives but we
decided to fight through and we got to settle into our destiny. Try never to
believe the word of your negative situation.” She stressed.
With those words ringing in her ears she
sought the help of her sister, who had always tried to liberate her from the
clutches of her disadvantageous position. Finally she had built up the nerve to
make a change; the determination not to take what life offers.
Although life is to be lived and savoured,
it can also be gruesomely unfair; friends can be cruel, relationships can go
bitter and you could work in a hellish job!
But there comes a time in one’s life when one has to change the
narratives; in one’s favour.
The way I see it is, too often low
self-esteem, insecurities and people pleasing tendencies, rob us of our
abilities to be fully formed, confident and strong. It should be noted that
most of the women we admire were not created as the finished product that we
see. At some point they chose to change the narratives.
